So Sad...

I've been rather depressed lately. I'm sorta' going through a period of self-loathing. I don't know why. I think it's where I'm finally trying to accept everything about me. It's messing with my head.

Ugh!

I really don't know anymore.

Keith's been a bit distant. It sorta' scares me. I don't know why. I trust him and all. I guess I just don't wanna' lose him.

He gave me a 'bail out' yesterday. He gave me the chance to leave him, no hard feelings. I didn't take it. He said he's afraid I'm wasting my life on him.

I don't think I am. I love him. I would love more than anything to be able to spend the rest of my life with him.

After I refused it, he told me why he was doing it (this is actually where the 'wasting my life' part came in). He also said that he didn't want to let me go, that it would 'kill' him and that he'd want to kill any guy I decided to date.

Ya' know, I am scared. I am afraid that I won't have the opprotunity to have a few things in my life that I want. I mean, he's really getting up there in age. I'm just scared that he won't want kids with me (he already has a son). He says he does, but I'm afraid when I'm really 100 percent ready it'll be too late.

That is literally the one thing that is holding me back right now, I want kids.

It's not like he doesn't mention that he wants them or leave me 'hanging' on the subject. We even have "hypothetical" kids--a teenaged daughter and a younger son. The daughter was to make the point a few months ago that he'd be a tough dad when it comes to dating. The son was because he wants to have one boy and one girl with me. :)

It's cute, but I dunno' right now.

I'm just everywhere mentally. I don't think I'm thinking clearly.

& Something is really messing with my face. I'm getting spots. I'm twenty! I shouldn't have them! Is this because of the change of diet and all?

Hopefully it'll clear itself up.