Jealousy and Doubt.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I told Keith that I love him earlier today. He said, "I love you too. Probably too much." Which is completely out of character.

Well, he was acting weird today and he finally told me what was wrong.

He said, "Sometimes the jealousy and the doubt get to me."

He hasn't told me he loves me since then. I'm not going to say it until he does. I don't wanna' make anything worse.

I also have no idea what to say to him, and the silence is unbearable.

What am I doing wrong?

I don't wanna' tell him that it upsets me and that I'm so sorry for whatever makes him feel that way. I mean, I truly am sorry. I just want everything to be okay.

I think it may be because on one of the social networking sites we use, I'm a 'featured' person and so I have a lot more guys looking at my profile.

Is it that? Really? Could that be it?

UPDATE: Literally after I published this post he said, "I love you so much." I feel like a schoolgirl.

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So Sad...

I've been rather depressed lately. I'm sorta' going through a period of self-loathing. I don't know why. I think it's where I'm finally trying to accept everything about me. It's messing with my head.

Ugh!

I really don't know anymore.

Keith's been a bit distant. It sorta' scares me. I don't know why. I trust him and all. I guess I just don't wanna' lose him.

He gave me a 'bail out' yesterday. He gave me the chance to leave him, no hard feelings. I didn't take it. He said he's afraid I'm wasting my life on him.

I don't think I am. I love him. I would love more than anything to be able to spend the rest of my life with him.

After I refused it, he told me why he was doing it (this is actually where the 'wasting my life' part came in). He also said that he didn't want to let me go, that it would 'kill' him and that he'd want to kill any guy I decided to date.

Ya' know, I am scared. I am afraid that I won't have the opprotunity to have a few things in my life that I want. I mean, he's really getting up there in age. I'm just scared that he won't want kids with me (he already has a son). He says he does, but I'm afraid when I'm really 100 percent ready it'll be too late.

That is literally the one thing that is holding me back right now, I want kids.

It's not like he doesn't mention that he wants them or leave me 'hanging' on the subject. We even have "hypothetical" kids--a teenaged daughter and a younger son. The daughter was to make the point a few months ago that he'd be a tough dad when it comes to dating. The son was because he wants to have one boy and one girl with me. :)

It's cute, but I dunno' right now.

I'm just everywhere mentally. I don't think I'm thinking clearly.

& Something is really messing with my face. I'm getting spots. I'm twenty! I shouldn't have them! Is this because of the change of diet and all?

Hopefully it'll clear itself up.

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Breahte In. Breathe Out.

I can’t believe it. I feel like my entire life is crashing down around me. Okay, maybe not my entire life--that would be too easy. No… just my relationship.

I’m the good girlfriend. I’m not clingy. I don’t rely on him for everything. I don’t complain. I don’t usually disagree. I don’t require his attention all the time. I encourage him to hang out with his female friends, and I don’t get jealous. I want him to go out with his friends. I don’t complain about his ex-wife basically trying to sabotage our relationship. I don’t complain when he tells me about his exes, even though he has told me many times he‘d be threatening to kill mine if I spoke of them the way he does his. I laugh when he says he wants to have his name tattooed on my arse. I don’t complain or get jealous when he tells me how pretty another girl is (celebrities included). I just agree when he tells me that Nikki used to be a model, and that she was so pretty. Yeah, I’m 5’9.5”, but I’m not model material. I know this. It worries me.

I’m overreacting. This is all because of him telling me Marian told him she’s in love with him tonight. Lovely. Simply fabulous. It scares me. I don’t want to lose him. I felt like telling him, “Alright, let Marian have her go at you then. I‘m finished.” But I literally cannot imagine my life without him.

But he tells me, “Keith loves Atti so much.” Yes, in third person, but it’s our thing. He tells me that he’s waited for me his entire life that that he’s so happy he’s finally found me. He tells me that I’m his and he’s mine.

He told me tonight, “Please don’t get bored of me.”
I said, “Do you really worry about that?”
He said, “Yes.”

I don’t want him to worry. It kills me when he doesn’t sleep well, or he has a bad day. I want him to be happy above myself. I want every day of his life to be better than the last.

Sometimes I think he does some of the things he does so I’ll get jealous. He always tells me about how his exes were really jealous women.

Anyway, I blame Auntie Floe…

I hate hormones.

Oh, I haven't smoked or drank anything but water since whatever day it was. :P

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