Hospitalized.

My grandfather fell this morning at 3:30 or so. He hit his head on his nightstand. My mother yelled at me to come in there.

There was a splatter of blood on the floor, and his head was bleeding quite a bit.

His glasses had been knocked off when he fell. That sorta' symbolized something to me. Earlier, not 30 minutes prior, he had told my mother to be careful not to knock off his glasses or to drop him. I hope that makes sense.

She called Hospice and I called my father.

He was pale and his whole body was shaking. He was slurring his words.

When my father got there he just held him.

I walked out of the room for a bit and when I walked back in I said, "You shouldn't let him sleep." My father said, "I think he's going to do a lot more than sleep." I told him, "No, I give him at least two days."

My mother called Hospice and asked if they should take him to the hospital or not. My mother told the nurse on call that it looked like he'd need stitches.

Then my mother called back a few minutes later and asked if it would be alright to call an ambulance. They said yes.

So, she did.

I pulled my fathers truck into the yard, next to the front door. I did well, I think.

They took their time. I sarcastically said, "This is the fastest I've ever seen anyone move for an emergency." They were going so slow.

It annoyed me. I felt like they were letting his time slip away. Almost like they didn't care. I was bothered by it. He was just sitting in his wheelchair next to his chair in the living room. He was sorta' slumped over to the right. He didn't look like himself.

No one put his glasses back on him. I'm not sure why.

They left and I sat in the living room and cried. It had been a long day already. I had left once. Just walked to the other house, grabbed a bag of my stuff and left off, walking.

My father caught up to me and had me go to my grandfathers with my mother, so we could talk.

We didn't talk. We watched HGTV. I ate a bit.

Then it all started.

After I was done crying, I went to bed.

I woke up a few times. It was a long night.

Read More...

Papaw JB

We thought he was going to die last night.

He was curled up, pale almost grey, his muscles were all rigid, he cried. It hurt him to be touched. He was afraid to sleep, he was afraid he'd die in his sleep.

I cried a bit, just a few tears.

I'm staying there tonight (again). Everything is on hold.

I don't know what to do or say anymore...

And my three cousins (17, 13 and 4) have the flu. Their father might have it. My father is being a jackass and refuses to sit more than 2 hours with his father (my grandfather).

Keith and I have been drifting apart a bit. It's because I spend so much time with my family. I think he understands. But I feel horrible. Today is his birthday. Wait. Or is it the 16th? Sh*t.

That's all for now, I guess.

Read More...

So Sad...

I've been rather depressed lately. I'm sorta' going through a period of self-loathing. I don't know why. I think it's where I'm finally trying to accept everything about me. It's messing with my head.

Ugh!

I really don't know anymore.

Keith's been a bit distant. It sorta' scares me. I don't know why. I trust him and all. I guess I just don't wanna' lose him.

He gave me a 'bail out' yesterday. He gave me the chance to leave him, no hard feelings. I didn't take it. He said he's afraid I'm wasting my life on him.

I don't think I am. I love him. I would love more than anything to be able to spend the rest of my life with him.

After I refused it, he told me why he was doing it (this is actually where the 'wasting my life' part came in). He also said that he didn't want to let me go, that it would 'kill' him and that he'd want to kill any guy I decided to date.

Ya' know, I am scared. I am afraid that I won't have the opprotunity to have a few things in my life that I want. I mean, he's really getting up there in age. I'm just scared that he won't want kids with me (he already has a son). He says he does, but I'm afraid when I'm really 100 percent ready it'll be too late.

That is literally the one thing that is holding me back right now, I want kids.

It's not like he doesn't mention that he wants them or leave me 'hanging' on the subject. We even have "hypothetical" kids--a teenaged daughter and a younger son. The daughter was to make the point a few months ago that he'd be a tough dad when it comes to dating. The son was because he wants to have one boy and one girl with me. :)

It's cute, but I dunno' right now.

I'm just everywhere mentally. I don't think I'm thinking clearly.

& Something is really messing with my face. I'm getting spots. I'm twenty! I shouldn't have them! Is this because of the change of diet and all?

Hopefully it'll clear itself up.

Read More...

Grr.

I am noones friend today.

It's humid. I'm tired. It's Friday and I have no plans. I want a soda more than I have any other day.

This sucks.

Ugh!

Read More...

Breahte In. Breathe Out.

I can’t believe it. I feel like my entire life is crashing down around me. Okay, maybe not my entire life--that would be too easy. No… just my relationship.

I’m the good girlfriend. I’m not clingy. I don’t rely on him for everything. I don’t complain. I don’t usually disagree. I don’t require his attention all the time. I encourage him to hang out with his female friends, and I don’t get jealous. I want him to go out with his friends. I don’t complain about his ex-wife basically trying to sabotage our relationship. I don’t complain when he tells me about his exes, even though he has told me many times he‘d be threatening to kill mine if I spoke of them the way he does his. I laugh when he says he wants to have his name tattooed on my arse. I don’t complain or get jealous when he tells me how pretty another girl is (celebrities included). I just agree when he tells me that Nikki used to be a model, and that she was so pretty. Yeah, I’m 5’9.5”, but I’m not model material. I know this. It worries me.

I’m overreacting. This is all because of him telling me Marian told him she’s in love with him tonight. Lovely. Simply fabulous. It scares me. I don’t want to lose him. I felt like telling him, “Alright, let Marian have her go at you then. I‘m finished.” But I literally cannot imagine my life without him.

But he tells me, “Keith loves Atti so much.” Yes, in third person, but it’s our thing. He tells me that he’s waited for me his entire life that that he’s so happy he’s finally found me. He tells me that I’m his and he’s mine.

He told me tonight, “Please don’t get bored of me.”
I said, “Do you really worry about that?”
He said, “Yes.”

I don’t want him to worry. It kills me when he doesn’t sleep well, or he has a bad day. I want him to be happy above myself. I want every day of his life to be better than the last.

Sometimes I think he does some of the things he does so I’ll get jealous. He always tells me about how his exes were really jealous women.

Anyway, I blame Auntie Floe…

I hate hormones.

Oh, I haven't smoked or drank anything but water since whatever day it was. :P

Read More...