Hospitalized.

My grandfather fell this morning at 3:30 or so. He hit his head on his nightstand. My mother yelled at me to come in there.

There was a splatter of blood on the floor, and his head was bleeding quite a bit.

His glasses had been knocked off when he fell. That sorta' symbolized something to me. Earlier, not 30 minutes prior, he had told my mother to be careful not to knock off his glasses or to drop him. I hope that makes sense.

She called Hospice and I called my father.

He was pale and his whole body was shaking. He was slurring his words.

When my father got there he just held him.

I walked out of the room for a bit and when I walked back in I said, "You shouldn't let him sleep." My father said, "I think he's going to do a lot more than sleep." I told him, "No, I give him at least two days."

My mother called Hospice and asked if they should take him to the hospital or not. My mother told the nurse on call that it looked like he'd need stitches.

Then my mother called back a few minutes later and asked if it would be alright to call an ambulance. They said yes.

So, she did.

I pulled my fathers truck into the yard, next to the front door. I did well, I think.

They took their time. I sarcastically said, "This is the fastest I've ever seen anyone move for an emergency." They were going so slow.

It annoyed me. I felt like they were letting his time slip away. Almost like they didn't care. I was bothered by it. He was just sitting in his wheelchair next to his chair in the living room. He was sorta' slumped over to the right. He didn't look like himself.

No one put his glasses back on him. I'm not sure why.

They left and I sat in the living room and cried. It had been a long day already. I had left once. Just walked to the other house, grabbed a bag of my stuff and left off, walking.

My father caught up to me and had me go to my grandfathers with my mother, so we could talk.

We didn't talk. We watched HGTV. I ate a bit.

Then it all started.

After I was done crying, I went to bed.

I woke up a few times. It was a long night.

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So Sad...

I've been rather depressed lately. I'm sorta' going through a period of self-loathing. I don't know why. I think it's where I'm finally trying to accept everything about me. It's messing with my head.

Ugh!

I really don't know anymore.

Keith's been a bit distant. It sorta' scares me. I don't know why. I trust him and all. I guess I just don't wanna' lose him.

He gave me a 'bail out' yesterday. He gave me the chance to leave him, no hard feelings. I didn't take it. He said he's afraid I'm wasting my life on him.

I don't think I am. I love him. I would love more than anything to be able to spend the rest of my life with him.

After I refused it, he told me why he was doing it (this is actually where the 'wasting my life' part came in). He also said that he didn't want to let me go, that it would 'kill' him and that he'd want to kill any guy I decided to date.

Ya' know, I am scared. I am afraid that I won't have the opprotunity to have a few things in my life that I want. I mean, he's really getting up there in age. I'm just scared that he won't want kids with me (he already has a son). He says he does, but I'm afraid when I'm really 100 percent ready it'll be too late.

That is literally the one thing that is holding me back right now, I want kids.

It's not like he doesn't mention that he wants them or leave me 'hanging' on the subject. We even have "hypothetical" kids--a teenaged daughter and a younger son. The daughter was to make the point a few months ago that he'd be a tough dad when it comes to dating. The son was because he wants to have one boy and one girl with me. :)

It's cute, but I dunno' right now.

I'm just everywhere mentally. I don't think I'm thinking clearly.

& Something is really messing with my face. I'm getting spots. I'm twenty! I shouldn't have them! Is this because of the change of diet and all?

Hopefully it'll clear itself up.

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Grr.

I am noones friend today.

It's humid. I'm tired. It's Friday and I have no plans. I want a soda more than I have any other day.

This sucks.

Ugh!

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Smoothie Move.

Wow. I've been getting my father to drink smoothies for the last two days. He says he enjoys them more than things like ice cream.

Then, he asked me why I stopped eating meat.

I told him it's because I feel better when I don't eat it, which is the absolute truth. I really do feel much better when I don't eat it.

So, then he said something shocking, "Maybe I'll have to join you."

Whoa! My father the carnivore of the year talking blasphemy?

Now, there is some reasoning to this, meat is beginning to make him sick now--to the point of vomiting--as are all processed foods.

Is this my chance to really have something in common with my father?

We shall see! I'm excited.

&

Is it just me or am I having a weird reaction to drinking only organic smoothies and water and eating no meat? It's like having a slight cold all the time. I get a headache every once in a while.

I'm really just hoping this is my body freaking out and getting rid of the bad stuff it's stored over the years.

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