So Sad...

I've been rather depressed lately. I'm sorta' going through a period of self-loathing. I don't know why. I think it's where I'm finally trying to accept everything about me. It's messing with my head.

Ugh!

I really don't know anymore.

Keith's been a bit distant. It sorta' scares me. I don't know why. I trust him and all. I guess I just don't wanna' lose him.

He gave me a 'bail out' yesterday. He gave me the chance to leave him, no hard feelings. I didn't take it. He said he's afraid I'm wasting my life on him.

I don't think I am. I love him. I would love more than anything to be able to spend the rest of my life with him.

After I refused it, he told me why he was doing it (this is actually where the 'wasting my life' part came in). He also said that he didn't want to let me go, that it would 'kill' him and that he'd want to kill any guy I decided to date.

Ya' know, I am scared. I am afraid that I won't have the opprotunity to have a few things in my life that I want. I mean, he's really getting up there in age. I'm just scared that he won't want kids with me (he already has a son). He says he does, but I'm afraid when I'm really 100 percent ready it'll be too late.

That is literally the one thing that is holding me back right now, I want kids.

It's not like he doesn't mention that he wants them or leave me 'hanging' on the subject. We even have "hypothetical" kids--a teenaged daughter and a younger son. The daughter was to make the point a few months ago that he'd be a tough dad when it comes to dating. The son was because he wants to have one boy and one girl with me. :)

It's cute, but I dunno' right now.

I'm just everywhere mentally. I don't think I'm thinking clearly.

& Something is really messing with my face. I'm getting spots. I'm twenty! I shouldn't have them! Is this because of the change of diet and all?

Hopefully it'll clear itself up.

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Triscuit Fever

I am a complete Triscuit addict at the moment. I 'discovered' the Rosemary & Olive Oil Triscuits earlier in the week and I haven't stopped eating them since--like I'm on box two.

They are absolutely amazing. Everyone needs to try them. Plus, they're vegan, which is awesome.

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Grr.

I am noones friend today.

It's humid. I'm tired. It's Friday and I have no plans. I want a soda more than I have any other day.

This sucks.

Ugh!

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Two Weeks!

It has now officially been two weeks since I stopped smoking. & Two weeks since I stopped drinking soda. I now only drink water, juice(the occasional tomato juice) and smoothies (contains milk).

How awesome is that? I'm proud of myself.

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Smoothie Move.

Wow. I've been getting my father to drink smoothies for the last two days. He says he enjoys them more than things like ice cream.

Then, he asked me why I stopped eating meat.

I told him it's because I feel better when I don't eat it, which is the absolute truth. I really do feel much better when I don't eat it.

So, then he said something shocking, "Maybe I'll have to join you."

Whoa! My father the carnivore of the year talking blasphemy?

Now, there is some reasoning to this, meat is beginning to make him sick now--to the point of vomiting--as are all processed foods.

Is this my chance to really have something in common with my father?

We shall see! I'm excited.

&

Is it just me or am I having a weird reaction to drinking only organic smoothies and water and eating no meat? It's like having a slight cold all the time. I get a headache every once in a while.

I'm really just hoping this is my body freaking out and getting rid of the bad stuff it's stored over the years.

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Juicy-Juice

I'm moving on up to juice and smoothies!

Why?

Because I can't take this only water thing anymore.

For a few days I really, really craved it. I drank only water for over a week and now it's just 'eh'.

Anyway, I got a new blender yesterday. (Thanks, Mom!) I plan to use it. A lot.

Right now, my idea is basically throw a combination of fruits into the blender and pray that they taste good together.

Fingers are crossed, mein liebling!

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Lacto-Ovo-Vegetarianism

Yesterday was my last day of eating meat.

I am now a lacto-ovo-vegetarian. Yay!

I'll stick to this for a bit, then I'll cut it down to being a lacto-vegetarian...to a vegetarian...to cutting out gluten and sugars...to raw!

I'm going to have to take my time though. I've been eating garbage for too long. I've decided to wait at least 3 months between each "phase".

I told Keith and his replay was, "No bacon and steak for you. More for me. Woohoo!"

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