Jealousy and Doubt.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I told Keith that I love him earlier today. He said, "I love you too. Probably too much." Which is completely out of character.

Well, he was acting weird today and he finally told me what was wrong.

He said, "Sometimes the jealousy and the doubt get to me."

He hasn't told me he loves me since then. I'm not going to say it until he does. I don't wanna' make anything worse.

I also have no idea what to say to him, and the silence is unbearable.

What am I doing wrong?

I don't wanna' tell him that it upsets me and that I'm so sorry for whatever makes him feel that way. I mean, I truly am sorry. I just want everything to be okay.

I think it may be because on one of the social networking sites we use, I'm a 'featured' person and so I have a lot more guys looking at my profile.

Is it that? Really? Could that be it?

UPDATE: Literally after I published this post he said, "I love you so much." I feel like a schoolgirl.

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Mess Up, Fess Up: Three.

I had a coca-cola and a mt.dew last night.

Why? Because I didn't feel like 'saying no'.

Doesn't feel worth it anymore.

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Mess Up, Fess Up: Two.

It figures that my second time of messing up would come the day after my third week of no-smoking and no-caffeine/soda/only water, juice and smoothies.

I had a soda from Arby's and a some meat in one of the meals.

My uncle didn't know that I was a vegetarian now. He got me that meal, and I couldn't not eat it. I'd feel horrible.

Tomorrow is a new day. My no-caffeine/soda thing starts again tomorrow. I'm back to day one there.

It's not too bad though. I'm on week three +1 day of no smoking! Go me!

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Hospitalized.

My grandfather fell this morning at 3:30 or so. He hit his head on his nightstand. My mother yelled at me to come in there.

There was a splatter of blood on the floor, and his head was bleeding quite a bit.

His glasses had been knocked off when he fell. That sorta' symbolized something to me. Earlier, not 30 minutes prior, he had told my mother to be careful not to knock off his glasses or to drop him. I hope that makes sense.

She called Hospice and I called my father.

He was pale and his whole body was shaking. He was slurring his words.

When my father got there he just held him.

I walked out of the room for a bit and when I walked back in I said, "You shouldn't let him sleep." My father said, "I think he's going to do a lot more than sleep." I told him, "No, I give him at least two days."

My mother called Hospice and asked if they should take him to the hospital or not. My mother told the nurse on call that it looked like he'd need stitches.

Then my mother called back a few minutes later and asked if it would be alright to call an ambulance. They said yes.

So, she did.

I pulled my fathers truck into the yard, next to the front door. I did well, I think.

They took their time. I sarcastically said, "This is the fastest I've ever seen anyone move for an emergency." They were going so slow.

It annoyed me. I felt like they were letting his time slip away. Almost like they didn't care. I was bothered by it. He was just sitting in his wheelchair next to his chair in the living room. He was sorta' slumped over to the right. He didn't look like himself.

No one put his glasses back on him. I'm not sure why.

They left and I sat in the living room and cried. It had been a long day already. I had left once. Just walked to the other house, grabbed a bag of my stuff and left off, walking.

My father caught up to me and had me go to my grandfathers with my mother, so we could talk.

We didn't talk. We watched HGTV. I ate a bit.

Then it all started.

After I was done crying, I went to bed.

I woke up a few times. It was a long night.

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Papaw JB

We thought he was going to die last night.

He was curled up, pale almost grey, his muscles were all rigid, he cried. It hurt him to be touched. He was afraid to sleep, he was afraid he'd die in his sleep.

I cried a bit, just a few tears.

I'm staying there tonight (again). Everything is on hold.

I don't know what to do or say anymore...

And my three cousins (17, 13 and 4) have the flu. Their father might have it. My father is being a jackass and refuses to sit more than 2 hours with his father (my grandfather).

Keith and I have been drifting apart a bit. It's because I spend so much time with my family. I think he understands. But I feel horrible. Today is his birthday. Wait. Or is it the 16th? Sh*t.

That's all for now, I guess.

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Why me?

My laptop has a virus.

Great. Just fantastic.

I have no clue how to fix it.

It's the one where my google searches redirect to weird websites. It's disgusting. Some of them have 'porn-esque' names. I never stick around to find out. Others are about like Punjabi and all. Weird.

So, I am getting really annoyed. I've tried two different programs. One of them keeps freezing as it's time to remove the damn thing (not good). The other doesn't get everything apparently (damn).

Now what?

I have no idea.

I guess I just have to keep trying.

Any advice from the maybe 2 readers I have?

Oh, and on top of that, I just found out that my horse has a huge gash on her back left leg. It is literally 5 inches long and at least 2 inches deep. It's disgusting. It's all swollen and has pus oozing out of it.

This is what I get for having a 'semi-feral' horse, isn't it? I don't know she has an injury until she decides to waltz over and I get a glimpse.

Today is not my day...

Highlight of my day: My father was joking with my grandfather (he's 85/6 and terminally ill--not all there) and told him that my mother was mean and hit him. My grandfather said, "I don't want that bi**h to get mad at me." We couldn't stop laughing. My mother was in the kitchen and didn't hear it. It was hillarious.

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Security Makes Me Gag

I had a dream last night that I was "working" at a mall filling in for a friend in the security department. I was wearing this really cute uniform. It was weird though.

The 'stockings' were over the heels and it was almost like a full body stocking to go under the clothes, but not attached in one piece. It was a skirt suit type outfit with a hat, except the jacket had short sleeves and the shirt was really a leotard with long sleeves. Really weird to explain, but really, really cute.

Anyway.

There was a criminal that came in and instead of using my weapon against him I talked to him (cause I'm not huge on shooting someone). Management saw this and decided to hire me. Apparently everyone else had a "shoot now, ask questions later" attituded.

I was happy and all. I really got to show off my uniform then (technically I wasn't supposed to be wearing one while I was filling in but I looked damn sexy in it).

So, I finished my day at work and went home.

I had a step-sister in my dream (I only have a younger brother). I walked in and she was gagging herself, trying to make herself vomit.

I walked in nonchalantly and said to her, "There really is no point in doing that."

She said, "What would you know?"

Then I told her, "I would know that you're just going to f**k yourself up. I used to have a eating disorder. If you're going to do anything you should probably just eat raw. You have a better chance of losing weight and you can actually eat and really be healthy."

It was the first time in my dreams that I actually admitted my eating disorder to someone who wasn't screaming at me. I felt so much better after that. I've been really struggling lately.

I guess it's okay, I had had my eating disorder from the time I was 8 or so until I was 19--though I still have a few rough days. Over half of my life has been spent feeling like I'm worthless, fat and hideous. So, to feel free to give advice in my dream to someone that wasn't hurting them seemed like some sort of mental improvement to me.

All in all, it was a good dream. I think I learned something. I'm not sure what yet. But I feel it.

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So Sad...

I've been rather depressed lately. I'm sorta' going through a period of self-loathing. I don't know why. I think it's where I'm finally trying to accept everything about me. It's messing with my head.

Ugh!

I really don't know anymore.

Keith's been a bit distant. It sorta' scares me. I don't know why. I trust him and all. I guess I just don't wanna' lose him.

He gave me a 'bail out' yesterday. He gave me the chance to leave him, no hard feelings. I didn't take it. He said he's afraid I'm wasting my life on him.

I don't think I am. I love him. I would love more than anything to be able to spend the rest of my life with him.

After I refused it, he told me why he was doing it (this is actually where the 'wasting my life' part came in). He also said that he didn't want to let me go, that it would 'kill' him and that he'd want to kill any guy I decided to date.

Ya' know, I am scared. I am afraid that I won't have the opprotunity to have a few things in my life that I want. I mean, he's really getting up there in age. I'm just scared that he won't want kids with me (he already has a son). He says he does, but I'm afraid when I'm really 100 percent ready it'll be too late.

That is literally the one thing that is holding me back right now, I want kids.

It's not like he doesn't mention that he wants them or leave me 'hanging' on the subject. We even have "hypothetical" kids--a teenaged daughter and a younger son. The daughter was to make the point a few months ago that he'd be a tough dad when it comes to dating. The son was because he wants to have one boy and one girl with me. :)

It's cute, but I dunno' right now.

I'm just everywhere mentally. I don't think I'm thinking clearly.

& Something is really messing with my face. I'm getting spots. I'm twenty! I shouldn't have them! Is this because of the change of diet and all?

Hopefully it'll clear itself up.

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Triscuit Fever

I am a complete Triscuit addict at the moment. I 'discovered' the Rosemary & Olive Oil Triscuits earlier in the week and I haven't stopped eating them since--like I'm on box two.

They are absolutely amazing. Everyone needs to try them. Plus, they're vegan, which is awesome.

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Grr.

I am noones friend today.

It's humid. I'm tired. It's Friday and I have no plans. I want a soda more than I have any other day.

This sucks.

Ugh!

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Two Weeks!

It has now officially been two weeks since I stopped smoking. & Two weeks since I stopped drinking soda. I now only drink water, juice(the occasional tomato juice) and smoothies (contains milk).

How awesome is that? I'm proud of myself.

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Smoothie Move.

Wow. I've been getting my father to drink smoothies for the last two days. He says he enjoys them more than things like ice cream.

Then, he asked me why I stopped eating meat.

I told him it's because I feel better when I don't eat it, which is the absolute truth. I really do feel much better when I don't eat it.

So, then he said something shocking, "Maybe I'll have to join you."

Whoa! My father the carnivore of the year talking blasphemy?

Now, there is some reasoning to this, meat is beginning to make him sick now--to the point of vomiting--as are all processed foods.

Is this my chance to really have something in common with my father?

We shall see! I'm excited.

&

Is it just me or am I having a weird reaction to drinking only organic smoothies and water and eating no meat? It's like having a slight cold all the time. I get a headache every once in a while.

I'm really just hoping this is my body freaking out and getting rid of the bad stuff it's stored over the years.

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Juicy-Juice

I'm moving on up to juice and smoothies!

Why?

Because I can't take this only water thing anymore.

For a few days I really, really craved it. I drank only water for over a week and now it's just 'eh'.

Anyway, I got a new blender yesterday. (Thanks, Mom!) I plan to use it. A lot.

Right now, my idea is basically throw a combination of fruits into the blender and pray that they taste good together.

Fingers are crossed, mein liebling!

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Lacto-Ovo-Vegetarianism

Yesterday was my last day of eating meat.

I am now a lacto-ovo-vegetarian. Yay!

I'll stick to this for a bit, then I'll cut it down to being a lacto-vegetarian...to a vegetarian...to cutting out gluten and sugars...to raw!

I'm going to have to take my time though. I've been eating garbage for too long. I've decided to wait at least 3 months between each "phase".

I told Keith and his replay was, "No bacon and steak for you. More for me. Woohoo!"

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Breahte In. Breathe Out.

I can’t believe it. I feel like my entire life is crashing down around me. Okay, maybe not my entire life--that would be too easy. No… just my relationship.

I’m the good girlfriend. I’m not clingy. I don’t rely on him for everything. I don’t complain. I don’t usually disagree. I don’t require his attention all the time. I encourage him to hang out with his female friends, and I don’t get jealous. I want him to go out with his friends. I don’t complain about his ex-wife basically trying to sabotage our relationship. I don’t complain when he tells me about his exes, even though he has told me many times he‘d be threatening to kill mine if I spoke of them the way he does his. I laugh when he says he wants to have his name tattooed on my arse. I don’t complain or get jealous when he tells me how pretty another girl is (celebrities included). I just agree when he tells me that Nikki used to be a model, and that she was so pretty. Yeah, I’m 5’9.5”, but I’m not model material. I know this. It worries me.

I’m overreacting. This is all because of him telling me Marian told him she’s in love with him tonight. Lovely. Simply fabulous. It scares me. I don’t want to lose him. I felt like telling him, “Alright, let Marian have her go at you then. I‘m finished.” But I literally cannot imagine my life without him.

But he tells me, “Keith loves Atti so much.” Yes, in third person, but it’s our thing. He tells me that he’s waited for me his entire life that that he’s so happy he’s finally found me. He tells me that I’m his and he’s mine.

He told me tonight, “Please don’t get bored of me.”
I said, “Do you really worry about that?”
He said, “Yes.”

I don’t want him to worry. It kills me when he doesn’t sleep well, or he has a bad day. I want him to be happy above myself. I want every day of his life to be better than the last.

Sometimes I think he does some of the things he does so I’ll get jealous. He always tells me about how his exes were really jealous women.

Anyway, I blame Auntie Floe…

I hate hormones.

Oh, I haven't smoked or drank anything but water since whatever day it was. :P

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I despise caffeine.

I have a headache.

Ugh. I hate caffeine and what the 'withdrawals' do to you. I lay a curse on whomever decided soda was a good idea. Okay, not really. But they're an evil, evil little person.

Or, it could have been the peanuts I ate last night... Hmm.

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Mess Up, Fess Up: One.

I really hope this is my only time of having to fess up.

Thursday, when I decided to quit smoking and drinking anything but water, I went to a relatives home to stay for a few days. While there I drank about 3/4 a cup of Coca-Cola and smoked 3 cigarettes.

I felt bad.

Since then I have drank only water or have not smoked.

That means I have been drinking only water and have been 'smoke-free' for 2 days. Better than nothing! It all adds up.

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Can I Do It?

I'm really rather worried about my stopping smoking and drinking anything but water at one time. And today of all days....

I found out that while I was out today Keiths ex-wife had been talking to him telling him how much she misses him, that she wants to be with him, that she only wants him to be happy, that she dreams of him, etc.

I'm not bothered that he talks to her, she is his ex-wife. She was there first. Ya' know? It's that she continues to try to lure him when she knows that he's happy with me. That just pisses me off. I don't like people who play dirty.

She's done this since the beginning of our relationship. He hasn't swayed, plus he lets me know everything. I don't think I could ever be happier with someone. He's literally my dream man, the kind of man I decided I wanted as a child. Lucky me!

I don't know what to do...

But I have only drank water and I haven't had any cigaretes.

&&&

Eek. It's storming. (I despise storms.)

Be good everyone!

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I Wanna' Go Rawr!

Yes, I know it says 'Rawr' not 'Raw' but, what can a girl do? :)

I've been thinking about going raw for a while. I'm not completely new to the idea. I was a vegetarian for a while. But I broke down.

I just had to have that loaded potato soup (O‘Charley‘s). It was worth it. I felt bad, but it was like sinning. It knew it was wrong but it was oh so tasty. I just couldn’t help myself. It all went downhill from there though, a bit of milk in the ingredients, a bit of cheese here and there, a little bite won't hurt...to absolute carnivorous behavior.

Complete meltdown.

I blame Auntie Floe. She's a conniving … well, not a nice woman.

So, I’m going in steps. Why? Cause I have a nasty caffeine and cigarette addiction. Okay, the cigarettes are a piece of cake to ditch compared to the caffeine (+/-2 cigarettes a day compared to living on Coke).

Actually that’s what I’m gonna’ do. I’m gonna’ ditch both addictions at once. Why sit around playing games with myself when I have my health to worry about?

I’m starting anew.

Starting right this very instance I’m not going to drink anything other than water nor am I going to smoke another cigarette.

The headaches will suck. I accept this as my body going through withdrawals. Caffeine is a drug. I wanna’ get clean.

Okay, that was a bit dramatic. But…oh well! I mean it.

If I mess up, I fess up.

Wish me luck!

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A Night On The Town...

Again, a joke in very poor tastes.

Two dwarves go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them back to their seperate hotel rooms...

The first dwarf, however is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting, "'Here I come again! One, two, three, UGH! One, two, three, UGH!"

This goes on all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head...
"You think that's embarassing? I couldn't even get on the bed."

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I'm So Going To Hell...

I found a cute joke. It is in poor taste, fair warning.

A priest offered a lift to a nun.

She got in and crossed her legs, forsing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stelthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Pslam 129?" The priest apologized, "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and see, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opprotunity.

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The Bug Lady

I swear, I think something is wrong with me.

I was sitting in bed. I looked up at the ceiling and there is a rather thick black line moving around the border of the wall.

So, I got up and flipped on the light. Yep, I actually remembered the light this time. Afterall, it wasn't a huge spider on my leg. Yay!

Anyway, I went to the kitchen got an old plastic container and trapped said thick black moving line.

It had 18 pairs of legs. I was sorta' weirded out by it. Even has pincer-looking thingies.

Lovely, right?
It was a centipede. Fun... Keith and I named it, his name was Cedrick. The spider got a name too. He was Borris.

Guess that's all for now.  Just thought I'd let the world know that I am now The Bug Lady!

Yay!  No...not really.

With love and creepy crawlies,
The Bug Lady.

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Teardrop Trailer Consideration

I've been thinking. What would it be like to have a teardrop trailer and actually live in it full time?

To travel around freelancing...
Meeting a ton of new and interesting people...
To be able to go when and where I want...
To live on the road...
A bohemian lifestyle...
Chills!

That, honestly, is my dream life. Now if I can only convince Keith (pseudo-husband) to come with me. Okay, that wouldn't take much. I know the first thing he'd say, "When are we leaving?".

A childs dream, I suppose. For now anyway. Hmm. (That's me scheming, by the way.)

&&&

OMGGG! I got a comment on ClassicButQuirky. I'm totally psyched about it. It was from a woman named 'Laura H.' Ah! I'm so darn excited. Just putting it out there, but Laura H., you're so my new best friend. Oh, and can't forget Kaylynn, she's "following" the blog. Go Kaylynn!

Hehehe. Got all excited.

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Creepy Crawlies

Oh my gosh!

I was sitting on my bed with my laptop.  The lights were off (bad me, I know).  I felt something move on my leg.  I assumed it was just the cord where I moved the computer a bit as I reached for my drink.  I took my drink, and put the glass back. 

I moved the cord, it was kinda' annoying.  The cord was no where near that part of my leg.

I freaked. 


I swatted at my leg.  I missed the first time.  It was moving more.  I could feel all of it's little legs.  Definitely cringe-worthy.

I swatted again.  I got it!  But now it was on my bed.  Great, that's all I need--some deadly spider taking up house between my sheets.  I immediately put my legs off of the bed and flipped my computer upside down in front of my face to light the bed.  Turning the lamp on was definitely not in my scope of thought. 

I couldn't see anything.

That was the one moment I regretted having a brown/ivory/light blue theme to my room.  One of the spots on my bed moved.  It was running towards the edge of the bed.

I was just sitting there saying, "Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t," over and over.  I put the laptop down on the night stand and basically threw myself at the lightswitch.

By the time I got the light on and back to the bed, it was gone.

After halfway shaking the blanket I pulled it off of the bed.  Nothing.

I moved the mattress.  Nothing.  The thing disappered!  I can still feel it though.  Ick.  It's like it's still sitting there on my leg.

I keep brushing my arms and legs off like there is something there.  Ugh!  So not cool.

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Sewing Denim Rings.

I've decided I've almost reached a low point in my sewing career.
I mean, when you get bored you think up quite a bit of 'unusual' projects.  My unusual project of the night Thursday was...dun-dun-dun!  Denim rings! 



Now, you have to think like it's 4 am and you can't sleep.  Right, are you there? That point where drooling is like the highlight of your 5 minute staring contest with the wall?   Good job!  Not many people can pull that one off on 'command'.

Okay, I ripped a pair of my jeans the other day.  I loved those jeans.  :(  So I figured I would use them to make something so I could work on my sewing.  I cut a square out and worked on my embroidery.  My embroidery sucks--I'm not even going to lie about that.

Then, it hit me.  I wanted to make a braclet out of them.  So, I was lazy and just started cutting the belt loops off to use instead of cutting fabric and all.  I cut the stitching where it was attached to the actual pair of jeans.  I took the two I had cut off and decided that I'd rather just make a ring out of them.  (Told you I was being lazy.) Cause afterall, how cool would that be?

I secured the two ends I was going to attach together with a safety pin, just to hold them while I threaded the needle etc.  Cause yeah, I do this all by hand.  I never could figure out a sewing machine.  I might have to do that one day.

Anyway, I was sewing and then it hit me.  I was sewing the thing inside out.  Like...the part that I wanted to be on the outside, was now going to be on the inside.

So, I was like, alright, I can just make another.  I have quite a few belt loops at my disposal anyway.

I started over.  And continued on my merry little way.

I made a denim ring.  It is amazing considering I am truly talentless and have no coordination..  I'll have to post a picture of it.  And... it only cost me 15 minutes of my life (for both rings).  Fun, huh?

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Inverted Nipples. Seriously?

No, I don't have inverted nipples, thanks for wondering.

I was checking out the top searches in the USA about 5 minutes ago and the top seach today and yesterday was 'inverted nipples'. I kid you not.

I worry, America. I worry about the economy. I worry about the war. Now, I have to worry about why so many of you are looking up inverted nipples.

Look out, H1N1 virus, inverted nipples are popping up everywhere.

Erm, or not.

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